Bible Stories

Hambydammit's picture

I've recently started translating the Bible on my livejournal account. The premise is simple. I convert it into a fairy tale style, and assume everything is true. I've been working off of the NIV, simply because I don't feel like going to the extra trouble of reading the antiquated style of the KJV. To date, I've only done four stories, but I plan to make this an ongoing series.

For your enjoyment, I present two stories of Joshua. Enjoy.


Once upon a time, there were some people who lived in a place called Amalek. They were called Amalekites. There was a time when they were very mad at the Israelites. When they found out that the Israelites were at a place called Rephidim, they sent their army out to attack the Israelites.
The Israelites were ruled by a man named Moses. Moses was the leader of the Israelites, but Joshua was in charge of the army, so Joshua chose some of the men from the army to go fight the Amalekites. Moses told him, "Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."
In those days, God liked to do strange things with his super powers to make sure the Israelites knew that he liked them better than other people. When Moses went up on top of the hill to watch Joshua's army try to kill the Amalekites, God told him to lift up his staff over his head. Moses did this, and as soon as he did, the Israelites started winning the battle. When he lowered the staff, the Israelites started losing the battle. Since Moses realized that every time he lowered his arms, God would let the Amalekites kill more of the Israelites, he tried very hard to keep the staff lifted over his head. Since he hadn't been to Marine Boot Camp, he wasn't very good at this. His arms got so tired, in fact, that two men named Aaron and Hur had to put a big stone on the ground for him to sit on. When he sat down, the staff was still over Moses's head, but was low enough that Aaron and Hur could each hold a side of it, and Moses just had to keep his hands touching the staff, because if he cheated and took one of his hands off to rest his arms, God would let lots of the Israelites die, because he loved them better than other people. God was very happy at the end of the day, because with Aaron and Hur's help, Moses had held the staff above his head all day long without letting it down and allowing some of his army to get killed. (At least he didn't let it down after he figured out what a dilemma he had on his hands, or rather, in his hands. It was too bad about the few people that died before he knew any better.)
After Joshua finished killing the Amalekites, God did a really strange thing. He told Moses to write down what had happened, and make sure that Joshua saw the writing, because God was going to erase the memory of Amalek from under heaven. This is how we know where heaven is. Since the words were written down, and anybody on earth can read them, the memory of Amalek is still on Earth. Since God said that the memory of Amalek would be erased from under heaven, we know that heaven is below the earth. This is strange, because in another story, we'll learn how a man rode up into heaven in a chariot made of fire, but that's ok, because the earth is round. Since we know that heaven is below the earth, and the earth is round, and rotates on an axis while rotating around the sun while rotating around a galactic center that is flying away from the center of the universe, we know definitively that heaven is at a point exactly opposite the hill where Moses had to keep his hands over his head for a day. Since we don't know for sure exactly where that hill is, we just know that heaven rotates around the earth at a spot exactly opposite some spot in the middle east, so it would look like it was up for half the people in the world, and down for the other half. (There is currently a group of astro-physicists on commission to come up with the mathematical formula that will allow us to predict the exact location of heaven at any instant. ) So the man that rode into heaven in a chariot must have been following a trajectory that would combine with the rotation of the earth to get him to the point opposite the middle east by the time he reached heaven.

God also decided that he would be at war with the Amalekites from generation to generation. This didn't take long, since he is God, and that's why there are no more Amalekites in the world today.


Once upon a time, a man named Joshua was the leader of the Israelites. God loved the Israelites better than everybody else, so he often sent them to kill the people he didn't love very much.

After Joshua had sent thirty thousand soldiers to kill all twelve thousand people living in a city called Ai, God was very happy. There was a city called Gibeon. The people there were very afraid of Joshua, because they thought he would kill all of them the way he had killed everyone in Ai. They made a pact with Joshua so that he wouldn't kill them. This made God happy. The kings of the cities around Ai and Gibeon were not as happy as God, so they got together and decided to make a very big army and try to kill Joshua and his army.

When the army was together, they marched toward Gibeon, because they were mad at Gibeon for not fighting against Joshua's army. When the king of Gibeon saw the army coming to kill him and all his people, he sent word to Joshua and said, "Please come kill the people that are coming to kill us." Joshua brought his whole army up to help.

Now the army that Joshua was fighting against was very big, and even with a very big army like the one Joshua had, it takes a very long time to kill so many people. Back in the days of Joshua, they didn't have halogen lights, so it was very hard to fight after the sun went down. Joshua was killing the other army as fast as he could, but it wasn't fast enough, and he wanted to finish killing them by the end of the day, so he yelled at the sun and moon and told them to stop moving. Since God loved the Israelites and wanted them to kill the other army, he used his super powers and suspended the laws of physics for an entire day. The planets stopped revolving around the sun, and the moon stopped revolving around the earth. Since the earth and sun are part of a galaxy and the galaxy is moving, it was also necessary to stop the whole galaxy from moving. Since the galaxy is party of a universe that is expanding at a constant rate, it was necessary to stop the universe from moving. Since the universe is made up of atoms that are made up of subatomic particles that are constantly in motion, it was also necessary to stop all the molecules from moving and all the subatomic particles from moving. Since the motion of the planets is the only thing that keeps the planets from being sucked into the sun and destroyed, it was necessary to stop gravity from working everywhere in the solar system except on earth. Since gravity is the main thing that holds the planets together, it was necessary to invent a new force to keep the planets from disintigrating without gravity. This new force was like gravity, only different, because it wasn't like gravity.

After Joshua had finished killing the army of the kings who were mad at him for killing everybody in the city of Ai, God made the universe work again.

After the army of the kings was killed, the five kings hid in a cave. Joshua sent his army to go get them, and put ropes around their necks, and hung them from trees until they died. When they were dead, he threw them back into the cave and put rocks in the mouth of the cave to cover it up. The Bible says the rocks are still there and the kings' bodies are still there, but they aren't.

Next time, our story from the Bible will be about Joshua killing more people who weren't Israelites.

FINAL NOTE: Please don't do anything stupid like call me anti-semitic or try to explain to me that my stories are missing this or that fact from the Bible. I didn't write these stories. I just re-tell them. Also, I'm doing this as an exercise designed to provoke thought, not as a definitive source for scientific or biblical fact. Thanks for reading!

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
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darth_josh's picture

I love this stuff. I like to

I love this stuff. I like to incorporate the scientific explanations for the 'biblical phenomena' most of the time.

Tell me if this is any good or anything like you're looking for:

Our imaginations, if allowed to run uncontrolled, can be quite dangerous to others and ourselves. They can also be quite useful. Occasionally, we daydream of distant places and different times. We use these daydreams to both escape reality and to clarify it.
I ask you, the reader, to come along as I drift into a daydream of a far off place in a long past time. Sound familiar? Yes. I’m sure it does. However, there are no lightsabers in this story. Let us begin over a millennium BCE.
An illegitimate child is born to Pharaoh’s daughter. She tries to keep the baby boy a secret from her father by hiding the child with the slaves. She then concocts a story about finding the baby at the Nile’s edge.
Do I look like a dumbass? Are you trying to make me believe that the Nile’s crocodiles did not feast upon such a tasty morsel as an unprotected baby?
No. I’m asking you to daydream with me. May I continue?
Pharaoh, who loves his daughter, cannot bear to tell her that she cannot keep and adopt the baby. So, she raises her own baby as her adopted baby. This child receives a royal Egyptian education.
The Egyptians were arguably the most well developed civilization of their time. They studied everything about their world with special regard to the natural environment and astronomy. Their gods were many and each had their own particular dominion. The only people to have access to all of the knowledge were the royalty such as the adopted child.
The adopted child grew and learned. The others around him gained knowledge of his origination. Naturally, like all spoiled, elitist children, they pointed out to him that he was not of royal blood. His mother and grandfather did not tolerate this by commanding others to accept him as a prince of Egypt. Of course, he was not the oldest prince in Egypt. Else he would become Pharaoh upon grandpa’s demise. Grandpa dies, finally. Our little prince accepts his secondary place at an uncle’s, an older brother’s or a cousin’s side. However, the little prince sees this as unfair.
Time goes by and our prince becomes a man. Without his grandfather or mother to defend his heritage anymore, he is forced to accept a lower station. Perhaps as a general or a cabinet member.
This, now former prince begins his plot to exact revenge upon his oppressors. He studies the workings of the present regime in detail. He continues his education while the present royalty allows themselves to bask in decadence and ignorance. Slowly, he makes some knowledge disappear from the minds of the next generation of royalty in favor of games and unproductive behavior. After all, there are slaves to do the work and Egyptians need only reap the benefits.
He notices that the slaves, while not fed well, are stronger than their masters. Several of the slaves have a religion which they follow involving a different deity. Apparently they are too poor to have many gods. The slaves have only one and it is an all-powerful god. This slave race is powerful yet even more ignorant of the natural world than the present royalty. The slaves would be a powerful army if fed well and organized behind a common cause.
Our prince chooses the slave god with the most followers. Yahweh is its name. Yahweh made the world, according to the Israelite captives. Because their ancestors did not follow Yahweh’s orders, they are punished by being enslaved to the Egyptians. This looks promising to our former prince. He studies the climate and the stars looking for his opportunity. He leaves Egypt with a promise to return to the slaves at a later date.
He bides his time until at last the moon and stars are aligned perfectly for his return. He returns as a slave and cites his leaving Egypt to fear for his life due to defending one of them. He also returns with a created message from the Israelite’s god, Yahweh, confirming his mission to free the slaves of Egypt.
The current Pharaoh is one of his family members and seeks to regain his allegiance to Egypt. Pharaoh grants him audience. Our ex-prince knows that he must use his knowledge in a way that exalts Yahweh and not himself in front of the Israelites. In order to do this, he must use multiple ‘signs’ hidden not only from the Egyptians, but from his hopeful slave army as well. He takes one of the Israelites into his confidences and raises him and his tribe above the others to be the personal servants of Yahweh. These men will be the silent arms of our prince’s secret plot.
Our prince takes three parlor tricks to his first audience with Pharaoh. He knows that there are snakes that can be made to hold a stiff position. He knows that cutting off the circulation to one’s hand causes it to appear to be white and bloodless as if dying. He knows that dried blood will settle in an urn until water and an anti-coagulant causes it to be fluid again. These three unobtrusive things he takes to Pharaoh and produces a snake from a rod, his hand to die and be re-born, and water to become blood upon the sand. Pharaoh’s priests tell Pharaoh that these are parlor tricks. Pharaoh refuses to acquiesce to the former prince’s demands.
Our prince knows that this could happen, but has much more up his sleeves. He commands the secret force to pollute water with pig remains mixed with salt and other chemicals upstream causing pfisteria, a genetic mutation of algae. The fish die and the rivers and tributaries turn red with blood. Our prince attributes this ‘miracle’ to an angry Jehovah, formerly Yahweh. He is refused again because the rivers begin to flow with good water again. Our prince knows that frogs will not stay in the salty water for too long so he tells Pharaoh that Jehovah will send an army of frogs into the city. The frogs come in droves to get away from the bad water with no food in it. The frogs pass through the city and Pharaoh sees that the frog population is diminishing. At this time, Pharaoh knows something is amiss with the prince’s demands to let the Israelites vacation to worship their one god.
The dead frogs left behind from this migration create a stench that stirs the animals and the people. Since the waters weren’t clean and smelled of dying things, no one bathed and the lice population swelled. Our prince had definitely foreseen this as a natural occurrence after fouling the water supply. Of course with all of the itching and open sores upon the people, it was a natural conclusion that the next problem would be with flies that smelled all of the rotting flesh and had laid their eggs in the rotting corpses of the animals killed before.
Since the water had returned to normal and most of the dead animals had been cleaned up then the lice and the flies went away. Pharaoh saw this as our prince knowing some knowledge about the animal kingdom. He refused to give the Israelites their vacation in the wilderness.
Our former prince turned to his secret troops yet again. He commanded the secret force to give his special mixture of anti-poison feed to the animals of the Israelites thus immunizing them against the feed containing the poison. He then ordered the secret force to poison the animals of the Egyptians since it was the slaves who fed the animals of both master and slave. When our prince calculated that the poison had run its course, he appeared to Pharaoh to point out that Egypt’s livestock would die. When it did, Pharaoh was of course riddled, but felt that soon the Israelite’s cattle would fall as well and citing the fact that the Israelite slaves tended all of the animals.
Since Pharaoh was still unwilling to capitulate to his demands, our princely hero decided that germ warfare would be the next step. Using his secret force, now called Levites, to disperse his ultimate germ weapon, a bacteriophage of Staphylococcus aureus upon the people of Egypt to cause boils and sores infecting the lice and fly bites from earlier in the story.
Time was running short for the hero. He had to wrap this ‘plague’ up because the weather pattern was developing for his next ‘divine’ revelation. A volcanic eruption had given our hero another edge. The weather would change as soon as the ash made its way to the atmosphere. Hail would be in the forecast but only for the higher elevations. The valley where he had commanded all of the Israelites would not see the hail because it would still remain warm enough to melt into rain before reaching that low point. Our prince spent a great deal of time watching the skies and the climate because many of the Egyptian folklores spoke of the sky and worried much about inclement weather. The season was ready since the wheat had not grown. The rain would be coming soon and it was going to be a cold one. It was bad enough that the rain came early but the barley and the flax was still before the bloom and it didn’t survive nature’s onslaught. If only the Egyptians had studied their farmer’s almanac. When the weather subsided, Pharaoh chalked this one up to weather and began to understand the intelligence that our prince possessed.
Still using his knowledge of entomology, our hero knew that this weather would stir the insects of the fields in this year of their numbers swelling, the locusts. With no good plants to feed upon, the locusts had to find alternate food to support their swarm. Schistocerca gregaria, the African locust, swarms in the billions and their pattern is well known to modern day entomologists. It was also well known to such a man as our hero, the well-educated former prince. He was also banking on the volcano’s eruption would drive the swarm toward the city.
Since most of the crops were already beaten down by the weather, the locust swarm died from starvation. Pharaoh once again realized that he had been totally caught off-guard by this intelligent adversary and his ‘god’, Jehovah. Doubly angered by this, Pharaoh refused to let the slaves leave. They would share the fate of Egypt in the name of their ‘appointed’ messiah, our intelligent prince.
Pharaoh did not know the cause of these horrible ‘plagues’ any more than he knew that the volcano’s ash was high overhead and traveling his way. When our hero knew that it was nearly time for the clouds to settle over the high places he ordered the Israelites back into Goshen, the low point where the clouds were far off and traveling away so that the sun would still be upon them while darkness was over the part of the city most inhabited by Egyptians.
The Egyptians, now thoroughly convinced that our prince had powers over the sky beseeched their Pharaoh to let them go. After all, there were no more crops to tend, no more animals to shepherd, and precious little in the food stores to maintain their own upkeep let alone that of the slaves.
However, Pharaoh was not amused. Especially since the darkness went away. He was very angry. He ordered never to see our hero’s face again. So, our hero decided that it was time to take this stuff to the next level. No more animals. No more weather. The only thing left to do was to kill the children. Not all of the children, only the older ones because our hero had a soft spot for the younger ones having been a younger sibling himself. He also wanted to do this because elder children would marry first and we all know that little Egyptians make big Egyptians. It would be better to kill them now than to wait for them to grow up and defeat his now loyal army of Jehovah worshippers.
So, the prince set his forces to work with the same timed poison that he used on the livestock, adjusting his time for the smaller victims.

(to be continued)

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Hambydammit's picture

I like it. I think it's

I like it. I think it's kind of like going around your asshole to get to your elbow just to explain a myth, but then, that's the fun of it all, right?

I spend entirely too much time enjoying my life to be able to claim that I know the origins of all the biblical stories, but I do know that virtually every time I've taken the time to research one, I've found a very similar story that dates back to a culture before the Hebrews. My best guess is that most of the biblical stories had aged like a fine wine by the time the authors got a hold of them.

The interesting thing about the Moses story is that it's pretty specific to a historically verifiable time in Egypt. The funny part? No record of a mass exodus of slaves. No record of an adopted prince. No record of a plague killing every single firstborn. Wow... That would have been a coverup even Hollywood would think was too ridiculous to put on film.

(Oh, and incidentally, if you believe the Biblical numbers, there were more slaves in Egypt than Egyptians. How exactly did they get organized to leave in one day?)

Ah... Fun with religion. I almost never get tired of it.

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
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Hambydammit's picture

Speaking of self

Speaking of self indulgence, I re-read this blog entry just now, after reading replies to yesterday's blog.  There are lots of new people on the boards, so I thought I'd give this a little bump.

Yes, people.  Read my blog.  Love it.  Live it.  Eat it for breakfast with a slice of jam and toast.

Ah... bald-faced self-promotion.  It's what's for dinner.


Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
Books about atheism

thingy's picture


Hambydammit wrote:

Speaking of self indulgence, I re-read this blog entry just now, after reading replies to yesterday's blog. There are lots of new people on the boards, so I thought I'd give this a little bump.

I'm glad you did, I had a great laugh.  It's quite similar to something I've sometimes thought of but never even gotten around to starting ... re-writing the bible as a modern book of fiction even going so far as changing people and place names, just to see how many pick up on it or if it could in any way make a story.  I'm so far from starting I haven't even read my source book or "muse" from start to finish.  One day, maybe, but most likely not. 

Organised religion is the ultimate form of blasphemy.
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Hambydammit's picture

See, where C.S. Lewis

See, where C.S. Lewis fucked up is he wanted people to get it.  Well, that and he had precious little understanding of plot development.  Or, maybe his inspirational material didn't flow as well as he thought...

Anyway, I think the only way to write a successful biblical rip-off is to avoid the whole death/resurrection thing, cause everybody spots that right away.  Better to stick with the OT Kings and such.

Well, then there was the Matrix... but we won't get into that.


Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
Books about atheism