Argument From Being In So Much Fucking Pain

ex-minister's picture

 In 1998 I was diagnosed with NHL. So much easier to type that than non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, not only because of its brevity but it seems to make it easier to disassociate myself from it. I went though 6 chemo treatments and went into remission for a decade plus.

Recently, since April, I have loads of pain. Everything pointed to a sciatica nerve problem. I had an MRI done last week. I have had CT scans over the years to watch for a re-occurrence of the NHL and have become somewhat accustomed to reading the radiologist report. I was always looking for the happy phrase that I was unremarkable. Well, this MRI didn't say that but a "worrisome sign of malignancy". Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My wife begged the oncologist for an appt earlier than the one schedule two weeks out. He is the one and same one I have been seeing since 1998. His mood was somber and told me I need to see a neurosurgeon, and that is scheduled two days from now. I tried to joke with the oncologist but nothing. I said hey thanks for the 10 years you gave me. While my report says there is a bulging disc L4/L5 that could be causing this pain which is pressing on my spine, it could also be cancer doing it. What a mental torment. AtheistExtremist recently wrote wonderfully about how are bodies have evolved where every cell is aligned to protect us from a hostile environment. That comforted me and framed it in a way that replaced the failure that was how religion would frame it. This fucking pain at times and just within the last hour is so bad I wonder why I don't pass out. No position, no stretch, nothing helps. I just wander around the house walking, limping, talking to myself.

me and my fucking pain wrote:

oh my god, jesus fucking christ, when will this pain end, what do I need to do to stop it, (many short breathes), now I know how fucking Job felt. Is Happy Jack in the sky making a deal with the devil about poor little ole me? Why is this happening to me? Because of some great sin. No, mine are way to minor for this. Because fucking eve ate a piece of fruit. No, that is nothing more than to degrade women. This is just life, fucking life, I don't believe I can stand this pain anymore if it never stops. Fucking religion loves these moments. They can tell me to repent. What the hell does that mean? Really, if I repent the pain would remain. The hook. You deserve to die because you were born a sinner and all this pain is your time to repent before it is too late. Too late? HA! oh, by the way put some money here in the plate. That will put a smile on Jesus's face. Damn this pain hurts. Can I get a few fucking minutes of relief, a few hours, a day? What's the fucking point?

The pain isn't quite as bad as it was an hour ago, but it is distracting my brain. I expect this to be somewhat incoherent when I read it later with a relatively pain free moment. Two more days and I get to hear what the neurosurgeon says. My Onck says they need a tissue sample and a needle biopsy won't be enough and most likely will have to cut me open. Hope while he is in there he shaves down the bulge if that is what is causing the pain. But these are men and human bodies are complex. I am afraid my quality of life won't get any better and hate my feelings of vulnerability. Life is wonderous. I have had many bright moments. I love my wife and know she loves me, but we don't get mushy with each other. I hate to think that this shit may take me out and I won't be here to squabble with her and when she asks me to do something I say no and then go and do it anyway. I love the times we spend together in the evening and on the weekends. The hugs and kisses. Now John Lennon's song Yoko and me is ringing in my head. That is reality. I have my favorite dog, Teddy. My daughters and granddaughter. I have a few friends, even riding buddies. Hell, I even like my work. All these things give meaning to my life. I really don't need more.

I want to thank you guys and Brian Sapient for RRS. It really has allowed me to shed superstition amongst friends. And the theist who have been here to help me see where I was and how that THAT life was never satisfying. It gave me an easy answer that only gave me countless more questions. I don't have to ask cosmic Why's anymore. The only satisfaction religion has left me with is great cuss words like, Jesus Fucking Christ, God Damn, Mother Fucker. I don't know how all this shit is going to go for me, but I am just going to have to rely on the doctors to be upfront and straight with me and apply their trade as best they can. I will die some day and all my atoms will go elsewhere and I will be as I was before I was born but without this god damn, mother fucking pain.

 

P.S. I did tell my mother which was a hard thing to do.  We have talked over the past few days. Telling her is telling the broader family. I asked her if she has told anyone yet knowing she would deny it and then try to find a reason to tell me she would if that is ok. She denied it and then later said if it was ok, she would like to tell a "few" so they would pray for me. She said to me "I believe in prayer. You believe in prayer, right". No response. "Well, I believe in it and we will be doing it. I love you so much".  Love you too mom. 

 

 

 

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

cj's picture

ex-minister wrote:I know she

ex-minister wrote:

I know she wants me to believe because she, like AE's mom, is fretting about me burning in hell, while her, my Dad and her asshole brother will be watching me beg for a drop of water on my tongue". She has a hard enough time me dealing with cancer. How could she love such a Bastard (joseph wasn't the real father) who tortures her son for eternity. She has enough fucking stress in her life.

 

Cognitive dissonance is painful as you should know. 

While my mother was dying - and before the anoxia and pain meds took her mind away - she told me that she knew I didn't believe in god, but that she believed we would be together in the afterlife.  So in my mom's eyes, god loved her enough to force me to be with her in heaven.  My sister has the same belief.

I honestly don't know which fantasy is worse - burning forever, or forced to hang out with the sadistic MF.

I'm still hoping for peaceful, pain free, oblivion.

 

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

"We are entitled to our own opinions. We're not entitled to our own facts"- Al Franken

"If death isn't sweet oblivion, I will be severely disappointed" - Ruth M.

harleysportster's picture

ex-minister wrote: "People

ex-minister wrote:

 "People are praying for me as I know you are, but I figure I pretty low on the pecking order. There the starving people in Africa and those with AIDS. And there is the war torn countries. I figure he needs to pay more attention there and I would welcome it if he did.".

This sort of breaks the stereotypes that us Atheists are purely evil, sociopathic, hate-filled people that have no moral compass to live by doesn't it ?

While most christians would be shouting to the heaven's for a miracle, exclusively delivered for them and to hell with everyone else, here, we have an Atheist that is stating that if god DID exist, he would rather god focus on the needs of other people over his own. '

Wait a minute ! You mean atheists can be charitable, altruistic, and caring towards their fellow humans ? Even above themselves ? Honest to no-god, who could have conceived of that ?

 

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno

ex-minister's picture

HS, Bastard red-headed

HS,
Bastard red-headed children have a better grasp on reality. Smiling

Jon Snow as an example. I like him better than any of his half, full Stark, brothers.

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

ex-minister's picture

UPDATE On Aug 7th I finished

UPDATE
On Aug 7th I finished up 10 days of radiation treatment on my lumbar region. It was so unbelievable how well it worked reducing my pain in that area to near zero when before it was at times an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10.


Got a mediport in my chest Friday. Tommorrow I get my first chemo treatment. It will take 6 to 8 hours. Then I go back Tuesday for another treatment which takes a couple of hours. Then I do that every 4 weeks for 5 additional months.

It certainly is going to be tough but hopefully spring 2013 this will be beat back into remission and I can focus on petty shit again. Smiling


If you find yourself in hell, keep going - Winston Churchill

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

Atheistextremist's picture

Glad

 

 

to hear the pain is back in the box, Ex-Min. All the best with this next treatment, mate. Keep it going.  

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck

cj's picture

best wishes

Virtual hugs for you and your family and loved ones. 

I am very glad the pain is almost entirely gone.  I know just how exhausting being in pain all day and night can be.  Hang tough, rooting for ya.

 

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

"We are entitled to our own opinions. We're not entitled to our own facts"- Al Franken

"If death isn't sweet oblivion, I will be severely disappointed" - Ruth M.

Another like

Empathetic relief for your missing pain.

Chemo is pretty nasty too I believe, but presumably not as bad.

One day at a time. Good luck.

Vastet's picture

Awesome.

Awesome. Laughing out loud

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.

danatemporary's picture

Thanks so much

  Thanks so much for the update.  Please keep them coming. Sounds like good news Smiling

harleysportster's picture

Glad to hear

Glad to hear that the pain is gone ex-minister.

Might want to take the bike out for a spin to celebrate.  Smiling

Keep us posted and stay strong.

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno

ex-minister's picture

well it has been quite

well it has been quite awhile since I have done an update. I went through radiation, which did so much for my pain in my lower back and right leg. Then I went into chemo treatments. They are once a month for two days. At the end of October I had my third one. The oncologist said it would be a good time to check. So last week I had an mri (ugh) and a ct scan. This past wednesday I went to see the doc to hear about it. There are 3 areas, tumors, of concern and all three have shrunk. The most significant shrinkage was the radiation one, but the other two show the chemo is working. Such a relief. There is a problem of some stranding and attenuation in my mid-abdomen that needs to be addressed, but he thinks it might be from the radiation, which would be good. If the chemo is doing it then not so good. But anyway nbr 4 (of 6) treatment is Monday.
My mother is quite happy that her prayers and others prayers have been answered.
I know it was your guy's prayers that really got answered. Smiling
Thank Enki for modern science!!!

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

Good to hear

Does the chemo make you feel fuzzy headed and awful much of the time?

harleysportster's picture

Well it's good

Well it's good to hear that the tumors have shrunk and your doing better. Glad you updated us on the situation. Keep on keeping on and stay strong.

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno

digitalbeachbum's picture

Really happy to hear you

Really happy to hear you success.

Since I'm extremely late to post on this thread, may make a suggestion? Take up meditation as a daily practice?

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

-Scott Adams

ex-minister's picture

X, I get the treatment once

X,
I get the treatment once a month and for about 5 to 7 days, my brain is fuzzy, I feel nausea, I am tired, can get sharp pains in my abdomen, and the normal body function signals are weaker, feels like everything slows down. Then progressively I feel better and can do more.


Harley...thanks. I am more hopeful now.


Digital,
I do practice meditation. It really helps a lot. Stopping my squirrel cage brain is a great benefit and helps me sleep when I need it.

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

Useful information

That's better than I imagined.

No doubt many of us will end up needing chemo one day, so one could even dare say that your suffering is our future gain.

 

ex-minister's picture

It is so dependent on what

It is so dependent on what type of cancer you have, but they progressively know more & more and the treatments get better. In 1998 the gave me a treatment called CHOP. That was a living hell. They still do CHOP, but I hope and expect it is easier to take. Once you have done CHOP, you cannot do it again. Your body has built up an immunity. I am doing Rituxan now. It was clinical trial back in '98, but now it is common. My doc told me up front it would be easier. So many are surviving cancer these days. Science is getting better and better. For some odd reason prayers don't have the same track record even though they had millenias of practice.

Religion Kills !!!

Numbers 31:17-18 - Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

http://jesus-needs-money.blogspot.com/

iwbiek's picture

hey ex,happy to see you're

hey ex,

happy to see you're doing better.  i'm rooting for you.  i've had so many relatives taken by cancer.

when it comes to chemo, have you tried pot?  i've never used the stuff in my life--alcohol has always been enough for me--but if i ever had to go on chemo, i think i'd take it up.  is medical marijuana legal in your neck of the woods?

"I asked my father,
I said, 'Father change my name.'
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame."
--Leonard Cohen

harleysportster's picture

iwbiek wrote:hey ex,happy to

iwbiek wrote:

hey ex,

happy to see you're doing better.  i'm rooting for you.  i've had so many relatives taken by cancer.

when it comes to chemo, have you tried pot?  i've never used the stuff in my life--alcohol has always been enough for me--but if i ever had to go on chemo, i think i'd take it up.  is medical marijuana legal in your neck of the woods?

I've read several articles that talk about how beneficial marijuana is for treatments like these. Something the big pharmaceutical companies don't want the public knowing.

I've never really smoked it much, I like the effects of alcohol better, like you do.

But medical marijuana has more benefits than the public realizes.

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno

Beyond Saving's picture

 Glad to hear the good news

 Glad to hear the good news ex, keep us posted and I'll keep sacrificing a couple of extra kittens for you. 

If, if a white man puts his arm around me voluntarily, that's brotherhood. But if you - if you hold a gun on him and make him embrace me and pretend to be friendly or brotherly toward me, then that's not brotherhood, that's hypocrisy.- Malcolm X

digitalbeachbum's picture

I wanted to say that I have

I wanted to say that I have had several friends with cancer and it started out innocently as a pain in their back or a small bump on the skin. Some horrible stories about, "what if I knew more and reacted quicker" and because of their delays in responding they passed away; this frightens me a little. My body is racked with pain constantly from head to toe. I'll be a crippled, if I live that long, as arthritis takes over my body due to the cruel mistreatment I gave it in my youth. Often I wonder, "is this new pain cancer?".

I feel such compassion for people with these disease.

 

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

-Scott Adams

Atheistextremist's picture

Good news

 

 

Ex-Min. Take care of yourself.

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck